"Thanks for loving me. You're doing it perfectly."
i'm not used to having nothing to do. sitting around, staring at walls doesn't appeal to me and i have the itch to do something. create something. when i was younger, when this band first started, the guys wouldn't let me get bored because that's when i'd cause the most destruction. it also makes me think too much. being alone most of the day makes the wheels in my head spin and i relive things i shouldn't, sometimes.
five years ago, i was in a state where the world, to me, was ending. everything was evil and nothing could be trusted. i locked myself in my rented bedroom and fell deeper and deeper into some mindset that i couldn't claw my way out of. we were recording from under the cork tree and maybe it was the pressure to do something that has never been done. maybe it was the pressure of being what i always said i wanted to be. but it slowly ate at me. i couldn't get on airplanes, i was terrified that i'd crash before we landed. i could rarely leave the apartment, everything was going to cause my death. i couldn't sleep and when i did finally manage to close my eyes and drift off, i'd jerk away two or three hours later. soaked in sweat, my heart pounding in my ears. i started to ignore the guys. except for patrick. who'd sit outside my bedroom door. i'd pass him lyrics, occasionally letters and he was the only source of communication i had for months. and he'd just sit there. all hours of the night, until early morning. never complaining. never yelling. never speaking to me unless i spoke to him first. i've always wondered, with the way my words took a turn...did he ever know where i was headed? could he see it? patrick stump was the last person in the world i wanted to ruin. i went to doctors but in la, most head doctors are nothing but pill pushers. pills for insomnia, anxiety, depression, bipolor disorder and on and on and on. i'd eat them like they were candy. i'm not sure if my fucked up, pill induced haze was better than what i currently was. i think of this every time i take a pill now, i'm reminded of what i was and what i eventually overcame for my son. eventually, i had to leave la, head back to chicago. i needed a break if we were ever going to finish this CD, if i was going to tour in europe with the guys in the next few weeks. things were okay, at first. i went back to my parent's house, tried to get back into my pre-LA routine. slowly, it all started creeping back in. i resorted back to my pills and things quickly took a turn that no one was expecting.
a week before we were to tour in europe, i got into my sister's car. i drove to a best buy, leonard cohen's 'hallelujah' was playing. on the seat next to me was a bottle of pills and our previous CD. in the back of the parking lot, i downed the bottle of pills. on the phone with my manager, my voice slurred and worried, he called my mother. who eventually found me and rushed me to the hospital. i was always adamant about not calling it a suicide attempt. i didn't exactly want to die. i just wanted my head to shut off. i just wanted to sleep and if that sleep lasted forever, then so be it. i spent a week in a regular hospital, while the guys headed to europe and i battled 'food poisoning.' afterward, i went to a psych ward. all i really remember from that time is how white and bright everything was. all i can remember is how angry, upset and disappointed in me everyone seemed to be. and no matter how much i fought, denied and yelled that i hadn't actually tried to kill myself, they all shook their heads. they didn't understand that i was just trying to sleep.
fast forward five years and i'm sitting here, in an apartment in new york. my year old son is tottering around while trying to sing the spongebob theme song. the guy that has stood by me for way too many years is cut off from the world working on some masterpiece that he refuses to let anyone hear and i'm content. kids tell me all the time that my band saved their life and for the longest time, i thought it was bullshit. i'd just smile politely and nod. say thank you and offer a hug. now that my band is on hiatus, now that i have more free time than i know what to do with and now that i can be completely honest with myself and you, i can say that fall out boy saved my life too. it's insane to think that five years ago, i was a depressed, suicidal mess and now, i'm a father to an amazing son. his smile is one of the reasons i wake up everyday and i couldn't dream of going back to the man i used to be. i still have my moments where i start to sink, i still take pills to keep a hold of my sanity but now, i know what's important in life. and it's not making the insanity stop, it's not making the world quit spinning so i can catch up. it's living for right now, for bx's smile and for the guy i've wanted since i was a young dude. it's being the dude i always should have been. i may fuck up and i may stumble but damn it, i'm trying and that's all you can really do.
i hope everyone's new year is going well. i hope your holidays were amazing. i know mine were.
xopete
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